Top Ten Fat Guys

I will admit, a part of me has always enjoyed being a big guy. Much like my body size, my personality is larger than life. I often talk with my friends about the all time top fat guys, and I thought I would share my top ten with you. The only requirement, they be over 300 lbs at one point. Some of these people are real, some are not, but all belong in the fat guy pantheon.

10. Orson Wells. Arguably the greatest fat man in movie history, with apologies to Marlon Brando who only ballooned later in life, Wells was at least large through most of his career, getting even larger towards the end. Wells’ Citizen Kane is considered by many to be the best movie of all time, and anyone who ever saw The Critic’s spoof of Orson Wells doing a Fish Stick Commercial remembers it as one of the greatest moment in animation history.

9. Chris Farley. The ultimate fat guy from Saturday Night live whose lifestyle extinguished his talent way too soon. Everyone has a favorite Chris Farley skit, be it Matt Foley the motivational Speaker, or the classic Chippendales strip off with Patrick Swayze, Farley’s brand of physical humor laid some ground work for future fat guys to follow, both on television and in real life.

8. President Taft. Not much of a President, but one hell of a Chief Justice. Taft scores extra points for being the heaviest President ever, and the only one to ever get stuck in the White House bath tub.

7. Williams Jennings Bryant. He edges out Taft even though he never won the White house for two simple reasons. 1. Cross of Silver, a radical idea, which for politicians is rare, and the fact that because of his weight he would use Gin as a cologne to stay cool. Unfortunately people close enough to smell assumed Bryant was an alcoholic, but a man has to stay cool, especially when Air Conditioning isn’t quite around.

6. John Goodman. As a rule all fat guys love John Goodman, not only because he is a great actor who has shown fat guys can have a long career in Hollywood, but because his most famous role as Roseanne’s husband embodied the reality that most fat guys marry a fat chick. Goodman is unique in the sitcom world for this, as most shows show the fat husband with the hot wife (I’m looking at you Jim Belushi).

5. Homer Simpson. No guy puts fat and moron together than the animated Simpson, whose staying power is so strong that what started as a character based on many Americans has now translated to many Americans acting like the character. Homer’s crappy job and love of doughnuts is something most of us can relate to, and unlike most fat guys, we don’t ever have to worry about losing Homer to a sudden Heart Attack.

4. Meatloaf. The all time fat guy singer. Most guys wont admit to liking Meatloaf, but make no mistake, all fat guys love the meat. Sure he sings over the tops songs, but his tales of overeating and partying hard are legendary. Meatloaf even scores extra points for showing us all that its ok to shed weight as we get older, after all Meatlean is better than Deadloaf.

3. Santa Claus. Not all fat people are jolly, but Old St Nick is the most popular fat guy in the history of the world. I had the chance to play Santa Claus one winter and it was an incredible time. All fat guys should take a turn as Santa, because a skinny Father Christmas just isn’t right.

2. John Candy. The best fat guy comedic actor of our time whose large frame was matched by his large heart. Candy was classic in so many roles that it is pointless to make a list, but I will say my personal Candy favorite is Planes Trains and Automobiles. Another big man who lost the ultimate battle with his weight, but even though he has been gone for a long time his movies continue to make us laugh.

1. Peter Griffin. For me Peter Griffin is the ultimate fat guy. Idiot, hilarious, from New England, crazy family, loves beer, the list goes on and on and on. Some people will say he is nothing more than a crappy Homer Simpson, but fortunately they did not get to write this list. Peter Griffin is not only an icon, he is my buddy icon on AIM. All hail King Peter.

Honorable Mention:  Old Elvis, Drew Carey, My Great Uncle Wally Bean, William Perry, and Butterbean.